Miss My Babies

This morning after I dropped the children at school, I drove to the Post Office to pick up a parcel, it’s the window one where your parcels go if you’re not at home when they arrive in the first place.

Once I’d picked up said parcel, I slowly drove down the steep hill to go home and I noticed a woman with a pram struggling a little on the pavement, pushing the pram up the hill.

In an instant, I was taken back to a moment in time where I too was that woman with a pram, struggling up the hill, huffing and puffing….. it was completely unexpected but I suddenly felt a surge of extreme sadness.

Emptiness even.

Because when I thought about that day, a few years ago when my twins were only about a year old and they were still so small, sweet and young… it brought home how much I miss them being like that. I could see them in that moment, clear as day. They were in their double pram and I was taking them to the library for the baby/toddler reading session.

I remember how I struggled with the weight of both boys, plus the pram, plus the heat (it was a hot day), trying to push them up this grueling, ridiculously steep hill.

I remember how, when I got to the library, sweating buckets, I nearly collapsed. I felt dizzy and faint and was panicking for my boys safety.. what would happen if I were to pass out?

My little baby boys sitting in their pram as I walked, their little round faces and chubby, cuddly bodies on show. Both excited about going out. For all the world I wanted to be back in that moment with them, to relive that day. Days when were were always together and able to go somewhere if we wanted. I wanted to lift them up out of their pram, hold them close and squeeze them.

I miss them now they’re at school every day.

I almost began to cry. I felt lonely. I was alone in my car, reflecting on where my babies had gone. On that day, a few years ago, we would’ve been together, happily going for a walk, doing something…. because we could. And now I spend my days without them. Busy doing other things of course, but without THEM.

Maybe I took that time for granted. It seemed so far in the distant future that they would start school, I felt like we had forever together, but of course we didn’t.

I cannot get those days back. I’m done having babies now, and it’s not about babies anyway, it’s about those particular babies. MY twins who I adore and who I loved to be with…

What I was feeling was grief…. mourning the loss of times that I know can never be repeated.

I know they’re only four years old now and I still get to pick them up from school and be with them, but it’s not the same. At times it was very difficult back then, coping with the two babies, plus my older two children, and a lot of it passed in a blur of exhaustion, so I sometimes feel as though I missed out. I didn’t/couldn’t appreciate it as much as I’d like to now.

I want to be back at home with them, doing all the things we used to do, or doing nothing apart from snuggling, cuddling and playing. I could cuddle and kiss them as much as I wanted, relishing every second of their baby lovliness for the short time they were at home with me.

I would give anything to be there again.

It’s gone so quick.

And I never wanted them to go to school this year. I felt they were too young, being premature, late August borns so it’s been very difficult for me to let go.

They were my whole life for the four years I had them at home, just them and me, together, every single day.

I just miss them so much.

This photo wasn't taken on that day but I think they were around this age and size

This photo wasn’t taken on that day, I think this was shopping in Sainsbury’s which could explain the miserable faces hehe,  but they were around this age and size. I just loved my boys like this! I felt so special, lucky and proud (still do) to be mummy to my twins :)

 

 

mumturnedmom
 photo name_zpscd74d280.jpg

Comments

  1. Oh I’m so with you on this one! There’s only 20 months between my two boys and as you so perfectly put it some of my time with them passed like a ‘blur of exhaustion’. Everyone tells you they grow up fast but you never appreciate it until you look back… Luckily I still have my youngest at home and I’m grateful I’m always there to pick my big one up from school and we still get to do lots of fun stuff around school :-)

  2. I feel a little like this with my eldest preparing to go to secondary school this year. I’m wondering how long it’s going to be before my youngest (who had an almost identical strawberry mark!) doesn’t want to hold my hand anymore….

    • Mummy Endeavours says:

      Aww i was a soppy mess when my eldest went to secondary school (I’m always an emotional wreck i think lol). It’s a big thing when they leave primary school… I’m sure you’ll shed a tear or two :( x

  3. Ah bless you hun, I feel your pain. My youngest will be starting pre-school this time and I’m dreading it. We can’t keep having babies but it’s like a physical pain sometimes, watching them growing up xx

    • Mummy Endeavours says:

      It really is, especially with the youngest… they’re just so sweet when they’re little, then they change into horrid teenagers lol x

  4. I remember pushing the pram with my twins up hills! I think what I dread most is when they no longer want big cuddles and hugs.

  5. Oh this is so sad, but I can totally understand the feelings! They grow up too fast! Even though I have only my eldest in school, i can look back and think about those day when none of them were in school and we had so much freedom to go where we want and not worry about fixed routines of school from 9-3.15! But atleast we get to relive it in the school holidays! Now with my youngest two im still in that situation of struggling to go out with the double buggy, any day when I do have difficulties with them I always remind myself of this kind of feeling because I know I will feel like this once the time has passed!

    • Mummy Endeavours says:

      It’s good that you’re thinking about it though and reminding yourself, ensuring to appreciate every single second xx

  6. Oh lovely. I can really empathise with you. I am starting to feel like this about Grace on a regular basis at the moment so I really do get where you are coming from. A really beautifully written post. Thank you for linking to PoCoLo x

  7. It’s hard, isn’t it? Even though each new stage is exciting and fun, it will never be the same as when they were babies and we were their whole world. I look at my wee girl and miss the baby she was, I love the little girl she’s growing into, but I had so much fun with her as a baby and it did go so quickly. As she’s my last, I’ll never have that experience again x Thanks so much for linking to #ThePrompt x

    • Mummy Endeavours says:

      And that’s what it was. I love who my twins are now, they are fun little people but I think it’s just that sweet baby stage, when they talk in babbble and have a couple of teeth…. miss that, and it’s gone in an instant :( x

  8. It is indeed a blessing to be a mummy to twins. They grow up so very quick and this is why we must remember to treasure every moment. Mich x

  9. Time sure does fly by and it’s so sad when we realise our babies aren’t really babies anymore. I guess we can always look forward to grandchildren! :-) #ThePrompt

  10. I melt with emotion (not sure if that’s what it’s called in English too) reading your post. I have no kids, but I too miss situations from the past and people as they were in the past sometimes. This also reminds me to take every moment as it comes, cause you can never get that exact moment back. #theprompt

  11. I feel like this some days too, my eldest is 4 and will be starting school in September, she goes to preschool, some days it is just me and my 2 year old at home and I realise that is what it is going to be like from September, them I really miss her. I also look at my 2 year old who has changed so much recently and think where did my baby go.

    • Mummy Endeavours says:

      It’s sad, even though we enjoy every age as there’s always something new and wonderful that they’re doing, that baby/young toddler stage is so cute and goes so quick x

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