Discipline – Who Decides?

When you decided to have children with your husband, wife or partner, did you discuss how you would bring them up? Did it ever cross your mind that your potential parenting skills might conflict? What about discipline? How would you deal with your darling little offspring should they (god forbid) be naughty? Those toddler tantrums are enough to drive even the most placid person to come undone at the seams! Did you have the smacking issue debate….. will you, won’t you? And did you ever think about how you would both handle the very tricky and demanding teenage years?

No. Nor did we.

I’m not even sure we thought that far ahead…. all we were thinking about was having a beautiful little babba, and we wouldn’t have a naughty child anyway… that sort of thing only happens to OTHER people!!

Ok, I’m joking but I would say I knew the OH pretty well before we had kids. I knew he didn’t have any strange ideals about parenting (that I knew of), we were the same religion and had been brought up in pretty similar households etc. so nothing there to send alarm bells ringing!

But the thing is, two people with no children don’t know what it’s like to be a parent so how would they even know HOW to parent??

A few years in and you may realise that you have real fundamental differences. Think Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise!!!

Well we’re not THAT bad here but discipline is a common argument in our household. The OH and I very often disagree. Not necessarily with the younger ones, although we do have the ‘there was no need for that!’ snidy comment when one of us gets the hump with the kids and the other doesn’t think it’s necessary…. ANNOYING. It could be anything that tips you over the edge though but for me it’s that final knocking over of a drink or kids fighting just before bedtime that really makes my blood boil. When I’m tired and desperately need some peace.

OH likes to lash out with a moan when he’s trying to watch some crap on TV and the kids won’t be quiet…. I secretly find this very funny! I almost WANT them to make noise just so he gets irked….. well it’s only right considering I’m not allowed such privileges! Or another good one is when one of the twins has done a poo and needs his bum wiped…. Usually it’s me that carries out this delightful procedure, so when they call daddy to do it and he’s ‘trying to relax’ … well, this amuses me no end, I almost jump for joy and clap my hands it’s so bloody funny!

Children have a habit of not doing things by the book and we can’t prepare for every eventuality. I mean, what DO you do when your toddler is freaking out at a party because he, all of a sudden, doesn’t want to be there? I couldn’t take him home because I had two other kids at the party!! And not just freaking out, I’m talking foaming at the mouth for at least half an hour, possessed by the devil shiz!! Or when your Teenager slams his door so hard it literally COMES OFF it’s hinges, bringing the architrave down and everything?!

Yes, we’ve had both of these eventualities here, along with many, many others and they’re not the easiest of situations to deal with. How the hell were we to know we’d be faced with that craziness?!

The OH  is probably  more of the disciplinarian once things get too far and with a 15 yr old boy in the house, I can safely say this comes into play quite often. I usually fly off the handle at the kids quicker than the OH, it takes a lot for me but when you’ve been with them 24/7 it’s hard to keep cool sometimes. Teen brings out the worst in me in this respect! I get drawn into arguments with him and will bicker back and forth until I’m raging from his cheek!! The OH won’t argue with Teen and if he hears me getting into a heated discussion he doesn’t like it and will step in. He thinks I should just say what needs to be said and that’s it. In fact he criticises me for this…… (excuse me, I forgot you were the  PERFECT parent.. NOT!!!!)

I sometimes overrule punishments that the OH has dished out which I know is bad and doesn’t teach the kids anything (blah blah) but it’s a Mummy thing isn’t it? I start to feel sorry for Teen if he’s been told off, had things confiscated or has been grounded…. Of course I’m sure he plays up to this but hey ho, he’s my baby and I can’t help it. Plus I’m the one left at home when OH is at work, so I’m the one that Teen begs and pleads with to have something returned or to go out and drives me doolally,  so I have to make decisions based on how I’m feeling at that time!! OH says he will just let me deal with everything if I keep doing this….. but of course he doesn’t. I think he knows that I will give in anyway in the end!!

Kids do need rules though and if they don’t abide, there must be repercussions. It’s easier said than done and it’s very difficult to set clear boundaries unless both parents agree and stick to them. Parents need to be on the same side, it really is the best way to deal with children, especially teenagers, as we are experiencing right now in our household, but it’s also challenging. I often don’t agree with what the OH says is the right way, and vice versa… so what do you do?!!

Do you agree on discipline?

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Comments

  1. We havent really talk about who the good cop and the bad cop will be. For now I am disciplining 2 kids. My husband and my son. Its so hard hehe. I wish that I can be a good cop sometimes. #pocolo

  2. This is an interesting one. In the main we do tend to agree but now that we have a typical three year old little boy I am just starting to see some niggling differences….very frustrating!

    • Mummy Endeavours says:

      Yes, they creep in don’t they? It’s only normal that two people have different opinions though, whether it’s discipline or their favourite colour! x

  3. Oh my goodness, you sound just like us! We agree in principle, but there are areas where I will be more soft and areas where he will be more soft. Like you, I can be more lenient simply because I’m the one at home with them dealing with them all day.

    • Mummy Endeavours says:

      It’s so difficult to see everything in the same way I suppose and it’s easier said than done carrying out everything we threaten lol x

  4. No we never agree on anything! I am the one who disciplines them.

    • Mummy Endeavours says:

      Ha, well I like it best that way, I like to decide what happens but sometimes OH really does need to step in!

  5. We usually muddle along some how! Our biggest struggle is that he feels awkward about interfering with discipline for my older two who aren’t his.

    • Mummy Endeavours says:

      Yes that must be a bit difficult. Bless him, although best to be cautious instead of bounding in and thrashing out punishments left right and centre. I guess that would be worse?! x

  6. we didn’t discuss it either but both generally agree on discipline rules and the need to carry out those idle threats! x

  7. I wish we had talked it over; we mostly agree…but sometimes we end up fighting ourselves over how we handled a situation!

  8. This is such a difficult issue and I think you have to work as a team and be consistent with the kids but that isn’t always easy! We try and sit down to discuss any behaviour issues and how we will deal with them so that the kids get the same treatment whoever they are with.

  9. in our home we are a mixed family meaning my husband moved in with me and my two children , we then had a child together and later on three of his other children were brought to us from their mother neglecting them, He is classed as the dad who works and makes all the decisions , they laugh and giggle if he tries to discipline them so it is left to me to be the mean one as to say , but they all come to me when they ill or nee something so I am kinda the good one too x

  10. I think we agree on most areas. He would definitely be bad cop and I good cop though x

  11. Luckily my husband agree on discipline which I’m very grateful for. We are even able to complete the others’ sentences when telling the children off!

  12. we don’t always agree on parenting, but we always back each other up in front of the kids…if my oh has said something, even if i don’t agree 100% i will back him up, and talk to him in private. I think it’s really important to present a united front to the kids so they know that we are a team and they can’t play us against each other

  13. Luckily we both agree not to do discipline. We work on rewards. I hope you do both manage to agree.

  14. Discipline is such an enormous minefield, and the source of many a heated conversation in our house. I think we’re muddling through just about but it’s really tough.

  15. No we totally disagree on discipline. Our eldest was an accident, as we were teenage sweethearts as it were, so not much thought had gone into things like raising children! I am very laid back (think horizontal). I believe in peaceful parenting / gentle discipline. If something happens I don’t shout, I get down to their level and talk to them about it, asking why they’ve done something or how would they like it if the roles were reversed etc. OH just shouts, or threatens to take toys away (if they don’t tidy up for example). He’s a lot more short tempered than me and he was brought up with a lot of discipline so I get where he’s coming from. I guess it works in a way because if they do something OTT his ‘proper’ discipline takes over, whereas i’d probably be way too lenient. And vice versa, my ‘gentle’ discipline usually gets the job done with smaller issues :)

  16. Its really hard to always agree but disagreeing in front of kids is not good too.As kids will sense that and try and play one parent against the other.

    • Mummy Endeavours says:

      I completely agree. Disagreeing infornt of the kids is bad and only makes them play you off against each other more!

  17. Me and my partner tend to agree on things however I am more of a softy and spend more time with Max so I feel sometimes my partner can be in the wrong. We never really argue over discipline though.

  18. When you spoke about the twins it reminded me of our household! Its always me that changes mucky nappies and I too giggle when they say “Daddy do it!” x

  19. thankfully (currently) my boyfriend and I have the same ideas when it comes to raising our son although I think he will probably end up being the stricter one! x

    • Mummy Endeavours says:

      I think when the kids get older it becomes more obvious how you deal with situations, especially if said child is difficult or badly behaved…. which most are at some point :)

  20. We are totally united in front of the children. If there’s something we don’t agree on, we talk about it when they’re not there and we never undermine the other when a punishment has been given. I have a teenager from my previous relationship and we have 2 girls together aged 8 and 6. We’ve been together since the teen was 3 so he just sees Ant as another dad and along with his biological dad, we work well together and decide on any discipline needed, together.

    • Mummy Endeavours says:

      Totally agree on the united front… when we don’t the kids notice straight away and play us off against each other! Great that your teen and your new partner have a good relationship x

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