But I’m also pretty certain I don’t want any more babies. I’ve had four and as my last ones (my twins) are now 5 and my eldest 15, I think it would be madness to go back to having another baby in the house. I’m also not getting any younger!
But still, I miss having a baby around.
I like being pregnant. It’s such a special, magical time and the thought of never doing it again makes me sad. Right now, if I see a baby bump on someone I immediately wonder if it’s something I could do again….. For a moment I get carried away in the thought process and I picture myself with a cute little bump, I love that feeling of a baby moving inside and feeling the little feet kicking as I stroke my tummy. Then the thoughts move on to a tiny newborn, a cuddly, chubby, bouncing six month old, a gorgeous little one year old… but then I picture it going to school and it brings me back down to earth with a, well, a bump!!
I couldn’t, for all the money in the world, do the school run again!
I’ve already been frequenting my kids school for the past 12 years and my twins are only in year 1, which means I have another 6 years of trudging back and forth to the place every single day of my life!! Don’t get me wrong, it’s a lovely school, the best, but to start all over again there…. NO WAY!
I also wonder (and this shouldn’t bother me as it’s my choice) what other people would say! I know for a fact that the majority of people would think I’m mad, especially family members. Some would be annoyed I’m sure! Most would be concerned for me though as I already have enough on my plate, and some days I can barely manage my life as it is at the moment, never mind throwing another baby into the mix! Others might think I was just being plain greedy, why on earth would I want any more when I have four already? And I have to agree with this to a certain extent.
I have four beautiful, healthy children and I feel very blessed. I shouldn’t push my luck. If something went wrong with another pregnancy now, and it would be higher risk with me being older, the whole family would suffer and it wouldn’t be fair on the other children. I’ve also got to a point with the twins now where we can pretty much go anywhere we want. No need to worry about prams or whether they’d get too tired, we can do things all together at last. Having babies around meant I couldn’t do certain things with the older two at the drop of a hat, and that’s still the case for particular activities but usually now, if I have to, I can take the twins along and it’s not a problem. My children need me, I’m already spreading myself thinly so in that respect it would almost feel selfish.
But on another level, my children would love it! My daughter would be in her element! And after having two babies at the same time, struggling with all that that entails, I sometimes think having just one baby now would be a walk in the park!! Apologies to anyone struggling with one baby, and I know that babies ARE hard work, but NOTHING scares me after having to cope with two at once, as well as running around after two older children with practically no help whatsoever!! Hell, I could probably do it with my eyes shut and one arm tied behind my back!! Ha!
Knowing my luck though, I’d end up with the most difficult baby ever!! Or quads or something…. Could you imagine?!
Joking aside though, I miss my twins now they’re at school full time and it feels like all my children are growing up. My son is in his last year at school, doing his GCSE’s and my daughter is in year 5 which means next year we will be looking at high schools for her. I can’t get my head around this.
My young twins are starting to be proper little boys now instead of babies and I don’t like it! I want my babies back!!!!! Maybe having twins has made this feeling of loss worse, having two babies around for so long with double the amount of baby / little child loveliness to dote upon has spoiled me. I don’t know.
I think I just have to accept that this is all part of life and even if I did have another baby, that too would one day be growing up and what then? Keep having more babies?!
I need to draw the line somewhere and admit to myself that I’m done.
But it’s hard.
It’s the closing of a huge chapter in my life that has spanned fifteen years, from when my eldest was born, to when my youngest have gone to school.
It’s a big deal.
Scary, in fact. And even though I know in my heart I won’t have another, I feel as though I’m not fully ready to draw that line.